My name is Angel...not Anger.

Today, I am struggling with anger.  Something with which my Mom has said I have always struggled.  I am angry that in true Adams fashion, we have swept so many things under the rug that I may never know why I've been angry for so long.  Sure, I can pin point certain instances and situations that foster anger but what happened when I was so very young can only be speculated.

Today, I am angry at my job.  I am grateful that I even have one but after working there for 13 years, it is on it's last leg and we've been in talks of closing down for good.  I'm angry about watching my team work diligently to keep things alive and feeling like they will never be compensated for their loyalty and effort.  I'm angry about the stress that it has dropped on our COO, my brother in law.  I am angry about the stress it has dropped on my spouse.  I'm angry.

I'm angry for being so scatterbrained.  I'm angry for trusting the wrong people.  I'm angry for having to be patient.

I'm angry because my songs still sit on paper. I'm angry because I am not confident to do things myself. I'm angry because I have to rely on people.

Relationships, family, home, petty petty things...

I am angry.

I have tried typing my name a few times today...just working on different projects...and each time I accidentally typed Anger instead of Angel.

I figured that I needed to get some of the infection out so...I write.

What?! Here's a little sneak peek.

I've been battling every aspect of performance and stage fright like a motha... I decided to suck it up and put something out there.  I had some free time at work today and decided to work on revising a song.  Here it is in all it's raw glory.  :)

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IntWy_VTBE]

The lyrics were written in 2009, I think and the song has been rolling around ever since.

Be expecting to hear this on the album...probably much different than you hear it here once the producer gets a hold of it.  Thank you for taking a listen and  hopefully soon, you'll being hearing the rest of the album in it's entirety before the end of the year.

Dear God...what have I done.

Seriously, this is the third time that I have started typing a post...what was supposed to be the first post of my life.  I feel like I've been flushing a toilet in a rickety twin engine airplane and this tiny hole (a vacuum, if you will) covered with an off-white cracked plastic flap opens and sucks the words right off my screen and into this waste that seems to disappear into thin, crappy, air. Nonetheless, I have done it. I have succumbed to this...the writing of a blog.  I'm thinking about the fact that there aren't many folks out there who are interested in reading about the life and times of Angel Adams but I am aware that there are a few around who might be...and for you, I invite you into my heart and head for a journey that I hope we all can see ourselves a part of .  And by the by, I'm not worried about grammar or spelling...well, I'm a little worried about spelling. But for the most part, the words typed in this small window will be spilling out in the form of my thoughts and not so much in the form of my Sr. High English paper as annotated by Mrs. James.  So...suck it.

So...here we are.  The road ahead seems like a long unchartered mess (and that's my "cup is half full" version) and the road behind is full of potholes that are full of mire and dung (also "half full").  BUT, don't let that mislead you into thinking that this is a wah-wah downer of a life story blog.  It is the contrary.  The fun part is that it's my life...my amazing and incredible "how did I get here" life.  I have trials and triumphs and super tall hurdles that this shorty of a  5'4" frame finds hugely uninviting but as I type I also hope that you see my every moment is focused on making those hurdles my bitch.

Other than that...I merely take every day as the miracle it is, good and bad. And believe me, there's a lot of both.  We're effin human for crying out loud.  Most of the time, I'm just looking around trying to figure out how I got here.  Whether you believe in a higher power or not, you gotta wonder sometimes.  I'm certain that I had no super powers in my possession that could get me to where I am today.  This is my equivalent of "it wasn't me".  Take that as you will.