I don’t know if there is anything in this world as dangerous or hopeful as these two words. They can kill relationships, dreams, vision. And…can create magnificent and beautiful moments. I have a love/hate relationship with these words. I blame them for every hardship and failure…and at the same time, give them a knowing nod every time something turns out right.
A few minutes ago, I watched a short video on YouTube by The North Face: https://youtu.be/Yqum9FhyGkQ. It features 2 climbers; one of whom is Alex Honnold. At the end of the video he says, “Sometimes when you've lost something in your life that matters, the only thing left to do is go and find it.”
In the milliseconds it took Alex to say that phrase, I shifted. More specifically, my perspective shifted.
I’ve been on the road of divorce and co-parenting for over 2 years now. I’ve run the gamut of emotions and the steps of grief more than a few times. I’d say that at this present moment, I’m angry but that’s not to say that in a few minutes, I’ll be sad…or even grateful. Those of you who have suffered loss know exactly what I mean and it’s not just reserved for divorce. I mean a great loss of any kind.
Sadly though, on most days, I am wildly distracted and deeply saddened by this idea of what I thought I had. I’ve been in this weird limbo for what seems like forever. I’ve had no energy. I’ve had no motivation. My life is this blank and empty hole that occasionally gets relief when I spend time with my daughter. Whomp, whomp…I know…woe is me. I genuinely hate this melancholy person I’ve become.
I think that all this time, what I thought I lost isn’t what really mattered. I’ve been consumed with what I think my daughter has gone through. I’ve been worried about how I am perceived and devastated about losing that idea I had created. The fact is I’ve been transformed since my wife left.
I’m not saying it wasn’t a blow to my self-esteem, but to be forced to stand on my own and evaluate things for what they really are…I mean what they REALLY AND TRULY ARE has been a gift.
What I have started to realize is that I’ve been guided all along the way, as I have been my whole life. Some days I choose to listen to the quiet voice in my gut…some days, I don’t.
So…what is it that I have lost that I need to find? Courage. I miss the days of blind leaps of faith. I miss the days of spontaneous adventure. I miss the days that I didn’t worry. The frustrating thing is…I know better. I know that quiet voice that gently nudges me in the right direction and yet I was too proud, too fearful, too stubborn, and too greedy to acknowledge it.
I pray the old adage of “better late than never” leans in my favor. It’s time I listen to that still small voice inside me and follow what I know is true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, and admirable. God knows that the peace that comes with thinking and acting on these things is welcome in my life.
Here’s to finding courage.